The other day I was pondering my life while watching The Learning Channel…I immediately wanted to go to the circus.
Point of story: The Learning Channel is the closest thing us civilized Americans have to the “Freak Shows” of Ye Olden Days. Back when laws were lax enough for us normal folks to enjoy bearded women and siamese little people (You can still enjoy both of those today, but it is WAYYYY more expensive).
New Goal: Take fertility pills until I have 28 offspring.
I awoke to find myself in bed with a real female woman. It was time to use the restroom. She woke up as I was attempting to climb over her and out the door. She asked me what I was doing, and I replied that I had to pee. She ominously told me that I might run into her friend, Maggie, while I was using the toilet. At first I was confused, but then the urge to urinate overcame by emotions, and I scuttled away.
As I was peeing, a quiet, young girl’s, ghostly voice murmured from behind the shower curtain, “I’m Maaaaggieeeeee McFlaaaaaaskyyyyy.” The curtain wafted closer to me, and I painfully cut my errand short and ran back into the woman’s room.
Upon my frightened entrance, I saw that the woman was no longer in her bed, but by her window laughing hysterically. I understandably and calmly asked her “What the fuck was that?!” She showed me a glass flask she was holding and informed me that her apartment complex was built in an odd way that she could talk into a glass flask out her window and her voice would be heard as a little girl’s ghost voice and a breeze would occur in the restroom. Then I woke up.
Formspring.me is a great place for high school girls to anonymously call fellow high school girls “OMG like, total bitches.” It’s also a great place to get answers on some of the most pressing issues of our time.
Go to my formspring and ask me a question about anything, and I’ll answer it to the best of my abilities. The top questions will occasionally be posted on this here blog.
Here are some samples:
If you could have invented one thing, what would it have been?
I guess this is as good a venue as any to get this off my chest:
That sonofabitch Jonas Salk stole the idea for the polio vaccine from me.
Salk, President Roosevelt and I were all hanging out one day, just sitting around and chilling or whatever. So FDR says, “Guys, this polio shit is fucking me up, for reals.” And so I say, “We should come up with a vaccine to cure that.” And FDR says “Wow, that’s a great idea, Alex!” He was really into it.
Salk, in the meantime, said nothing. He just sat there nodding a bit, like he was distracted. I didn’t realize it then, but he was making a mental note to steal the shit out of my idea! What an asshole!
So FDR ends up dying, and then several years later I see Salk’s smug face on the front page of the newspaper for curing polio. Meanwhile, I’m broke, toiling in obscurity and answering anonymous questions on the internet.
Jonas Salk is a thieving piece of shit.
I was parked outside of the KU recreation center and my car was busted somehow. This jerk came up to the car and just started yanking parts off of it saying “This’ll fix her up real good.” Then tossing the parts to the ground. I went into the gym to find someone who could help me and all I found was a beautiful girl named Jamie. She had red hair, that’s how I knew she was beautiful. I said “There’s this guy pulling parts off of my car, and I think that he should stop. Can you help me?” She giggled and just said “Oh that’s just Barley. He hangs around here doing that all the time; I’ll get him.” When I Went back outside to the lot, they had flooded it with water and set up 3 basketball hoops. Barley tossed me a ball. My car was gone. So Jamie, Barley, and I started playing pool basketball, and Barley was taking it pretty seriously. I’m not great at basketball normally but this water and Barley being an asshole about it was really making it difficult. Jamie kept giggling whenever she got the ball and Barley kept tackling her into the water whenever she had possession. I think that’s a foul, and Barley just being a dick. Then I woke up with a sore throat.
I had a dream last night where I was in some movie. I woke up and now I can’t remember what movie I was in, or if it was a movie that’s even been made.
There I was, in a mediocre Charter Bus driven by John Travolta. The sign said his name was John Travolta, but he actually looked like a math teacher from my middle school. However, this Travolta and the famous one shared a passion for operating passenger carriers. Buses, Planes, it doesn’t matter to those Travolta’s.
Travolta pulls over and picks up the entire Kansas University football team. A very chubby Kerry Meier with a feathered mullett slides next to me and begins to act a little TOO friendly. He takes my arm and places it around his shoulders.
We spot a funnel cloud forming in the distance, which grows bigger and bigger and eventually touches down as Travolta drives us directly towards it.
Then I woke up and had to pee. There’s a lot of homosexual undertones in that dream. Huh.
Those People Alum Shawn Bowers has been electronically published in the esteemed Internet literary journal McSweeneys. It’s safe to say that without his invaluable comedy experience as a member of Those People, he never would have achieved this or the massive wealth that he has received as a result. Yes, that’s yet another famous Those Person! We’re becoming a star factory on par with SNL, American Idol and Jersey Shore.
Read Shawn’s very funny piece here.