I’m sure you are all familiar with the internationally known DJ/Self-Porclaimed Doctor, Shamantis. So I don’t need to tell you that about 16 hours ago, he released a new 35 minute track. What this Pioneer of Music and Medicine has done is slow down the Justin Bieber song U Smile by 800% (to listen, go to soundcloud.com or follow this link http://soundcloud.com/shamantis/j-biebz-u-smile-800-slower). If you are fans of such great ambient artists like Brian Eno, Tim Hecker, or Eluvium then you’ll be drinking this stuff down like Pepto and club soda. However, Shamantis has completely disobeyed our doctor’s orders. Before, if one was coming down with a bout of Bieber fever, the solution was to listen to a three-minute J. Biebz song and all would be well. The color in your face would return to its natural hue, the phlegm in your throat would loosen up a bit, and the volcanic diarrhea erupting from your backside would simply wash away. Despite those three minutes being an excruciating hurricane of uncomfortabiltiy, you knew it would over soon; just lasting a little longer than a roller coaster ride. Three minutes! That’s all it used to take!
But not anymore. Thanks to Shamantis, who doesn’t even have a medical license I might add, whenever one feels a bit flush with fever, he or she will now have to listen and suffer through a 35 minute gauntlet of treatment. More like riding a Tilt-O-Whirl with a token stuck in the gears requiring Jaffey the Janitor to take 35 minutes to wedge it out and stop the ride. You will be lucky to get the color to fully return to your cheeks, your voice will be hoarse with phlegm for days on end, and that volcanic diarrhea will rend you unable to leave the house or powder room for a week or so.
Making a treatment that already takes 3 minutes and making it longer does not serve any specific need. “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it further.” This is a step in the wrong direction. Therefore, let us thank him for releasing this thoroughly unhelpful medication on our nation. This is America, Shammy! We want things faster, and we want things now. We don’t want 35 minute treatments, and we certainly don’t want more volcanic diarrhea.
I am the proud father of a beautiful 6 year old girl. She is the short-black-haired-adorable-apple-of-my-eye, and I decide to take her to swimming lessons. We’re having a great time. She’s a natural! Splashing, kicking, laughing, giggling. One of the best father/daughter activities known to man. I’d recommend it.
As I lift her out of the water, she laughs out loud, which warms my heart ever so much. I’m holding her in my arms, and she looks at me as if to say “Daddy, I love you.” Then the entirety of her eyes wash over and become black pools. Her eyebrows turn inward, forming a villainous V, and she smiles a big razor sharped grin. I drop her back into the pool at the sight of this horrific transformation. She begins to swim at an amazing speed gnashing and gnawing at all the other swimming parents and children. Really, scaring the shit out of everybody. Then I wake up.
I’m not supposed to be a father, apparently.
I awoke to find myself in bed with a real female woman. It was time to use the restroom. She woke up as I was attempting to climb over her and out the door. She asked me what I was doing, and I replied that I had to pee. She ominously told me that I might run into her friend, Maggie, while I was using the toilet. At first I was confused, but then the urge to urinate overcame by emotions, and I scuttled away.
As I was peeing, a quiet, young girl’s, ghostly voice murmured from behind the shower curtain, “I’m Maaaaggieeeeee McFlaaaaaaskyyyyy.” The curtain wafted closer to me, and I painfully cut my errand short and ran back into the woman’s room.
Upon my frightened entrance, I saw that the woman was no longer in her bed, but by her window laughing hysterically. I understandably and calmly asked her “What the fuck was that?!” She showed me a glass flask she was holding and informed me that her apartment complex was built in an odd way that she could talk into a glass flask out her window and her voice would be heard as a little girl’s ghost voice and a breeze would occur in the restroom. Then I woke up.
I was parked outside of the KU recreation center and my car was busted somehow. This jerk came up to the car and just started yanking parts off of it saying “This’ll fix her up real good.” Then tossing the parts to the ground. I went into the gym to find someone who could help me and all I found was a beautiful girl named Jamie. She had red hair, that’s how I knew she was beautiful. I said “There’s this guy pulling parts off of my car, and I think that he should stop. Can you help me?” She giggled and just said “Oh that’s just Barley. He hangs around here doing that all the time; I’ll get him.” When I Went back outside to the lot, they had flooded it with water and set up 3 basketball hoops. Barley tossed me a ball. My car was gone. So Jamie, Barley, and I started playing pool basketball, and Barley was taking it pretty seriously. I’m not great at basketball normally but this water and Barley being an asshole about it was really making it difficult. Jamie kept giggling whenever she got the ball and Barley kept tackling her into the water whenever she had possession. I think that’s a foul, and Barley just being a dick. Then I woke up with a sore throat.
I had a dream last night where I was in some movie. I woke up and now I can’t remember what movie I was in, or if it was a movie that’s even been made.
There I was, in a mediocre Charter Bus driven by John Travolta. The sign said his name was John Travolta, but he actually looked like a math teacher from my middle school. However, this Travolta and the famous one shared a passion for operating passenger carriers. Buses, Planes, it doesn’t matter to those Travolta’s.
Travolta pulls over and picks up the entire Kansas University football team. A very chubby Kerry Meier with a feathered mullett slides next to me and begins to act a little TOO friendly. He takes my arm and places it around his shoulders.
We spot a funnel cloud forming in the distance, which grows bigger and bigger and eventually touches down as Travolta drives us directly towards it.
Then I woke up and had to pee. There’s a lot of homosexual undertones in that dream. Huh.