I’m sure you are all familiar with the internationally known DJ/Self-Porclaimed Doctor, Shamantis. So I don’t need to tell you that about 16 hours ago, he released a new 35 minute track. What this Pioneer of Music and Medicine has done is slow down the Justin Bieber song U Smile by 800% (to listen, go to soundcloud.com or follow this link http://soundcloud.com/shamantis/j-biebz-u-smile-800-slower). If you are fans of such great ambient artists like Brian Eno, Tim Hecker, or Eluvium then you’ll be drinking this stuff down like Pepto and club soda. However, Shamantis has completely disobeyed our doctor’s orders. Before, if one was coming down with a bout of Bieber fever, the solution was to listen to a three-minute J. Biebz song and all would be well. The color in your face would return to its natural hue, the phlegm in your throat would loosen up a bit, and the volcanic diarrhea erupting from your backside would simply wash away. Despite those three minutes being an excruciating hurricane of uncomfortabiltiy, you knew it would over soon; just lasting a little longer than a roller coaster ride. Three minutes! That’s all it used to take!
But not anymore. Thanks to Shamantis, who doesn’t even have a medical license I might add, whenever one feels a bit flush with fever, he or she will now have to listen and suffer through a 35 minute gauntlet of treatment. More like riding a Tilt-O-Whirl with a token stuck in the gears requiring Jaffey the Janitor to take 35 minutes to wedge it out and stop the ride. You will be lucky to get the color to fully return to your cheeks, your voice will be hoarse with phlegm for days on end, and that volcanic diarrhea will rend you unable to leave the house or powder room for a week or so.
Making a treatment that already takes 3 minutes and making it longer does not serve any specific need. “If it ain’t broke, don’t break it further.” This is a step in the wrong direction. Therefore, let us thank him for releasing this thoroughly unhelpful medication on our nation. This is America, Shammy! We want things faster, and we want things now. We don’t want 35 minute treatments, and we certainly don’t want more volcanic diarrhea.