Ask Alex Anything (Anonymously!)

Formspring.me is a great place for high school girls to anonymously call fellow high school girls  “OMG like, total bitches.” It’s also a great place to get answers on some of the most pressing issues of our time.

Go to my formspring and ask me a question about anything, and I’ll answer it to the best of my abilities. The top questions will occasionally be posted on this here blog.

Here are some samples:

If you could have invented one thing, what would it have been?

I guess this is as good a venue as any to get this off my chest:

That sonofabitch Jonas Salk stole the idea for the polio vaccine from me.

Salk, President Roosevelt and I were all hanging out one day, just sitting around and chilling or whatever. So FDR says, “Guys, this polio shit is fucking me up, for reals.” And so I say, “We should come up with a vaccine to cure that.” And FDR says “Wow, that’s a great idea, Alex!” He was really into it.

Salk, in the meantime, said nothing. He just sat there nodding a bit, like he was distracted. I didn’t realize it then, but he was making a mental note to steal the shit out of my idea! What an asshole!

So FDR ends up dying, and then several years later I see Salk’s smug face on the front page of the newspaper for curing polio. Meanwhile, I’m broke, toiling in obscurity and answering anonymous questions on the internet.

Jonas Salk is a thieving piece of shit.

If there is a hotel with infinite rooms, but they are all full, and a new customer comes in looking for a room, what do you think should happen next?

This is an old trick of the trade I learned from my good friend Conrad Hilton, who built the first-ever infinite hotel back in 1961:

Tell the guest that a room just opened up on the trillionth floor (or so). Check them in and have them pay up front. Then, tell them that the elevator is closed and they’ll have to take the stairs. They will die of old age long before they arrive at their room to find that it has been double-booked. Easy money.

With the financial markets beginning to show some signs of stabilizing, what do you see as a safe long-term investment to add to my portfolio? 

Good question! Now is DEFINITELY the time to start thinking long-term, and if you’re looking for something to establish a solid investing foundation with, KNICK-KNACKS are the way to go! Knick-knacks have been consistently on the rise for months now, and I don’t see that stopping any time soon. It’s time to invest heavily in knick-knacks while the share price is still affordable! Knick-knacks are my HOT BUY OF THE WEEK!!!

If you’re not quite ready to get into knick-knacks, I recommend looking at JUNK, RUBBISH or BRIC-A-BRAC. All are safe, reliable picks that might not make you a fortune, but will definitely provide a solid return. CLUTTER has been low for a while, but I see it making a comeback soon. Keep an eye on that stock for the next few weeks.

My SLEEPER PICK OF THE WEEK is WHATEVER’S LYING AROUND THE HOUSE. People have written off whatever’s lying around the house as non-viable, but I see signs of life in that stock, especially after last week’s announcement that whatever’s lying around the house will be consolidated with STUFF I FOUND WHEN I WAS CLEANING OUT THE GARAGE. This is huge, people! Get into this stock while you still can!

Of course, not everything is a good buy right now. I urge you to SELL TRIFLE, GEWGAW and WHATNOT as soon as you can. The trinket market is saturated, and everything under that umbrella is poison! I’d also steer clear of GIMCRACK and BAUBLE, especially with the second quarter projections the way they are.

But my STONE COLD SELL OF THE WEEK has to be THE USELESS CRAP PILING UP IN THE BASEMENT. I have a feeling the useless crap piling up in the basement is going to be sold in droves in the very near future, possibly through another entity such as the garage or yard. Consumer confidence in the useless crap piling up in the basement is at an all-time low, and we saw what happened when people started to bail on ALL THAT FUCKING SHIT GATHERING DUST IN THE ATTIC back in ’05.

NEXT CALLER!

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One response to “Ask Alex Anything (Anonymously!)

  1. Cerrome Russell

    I’m not sure if I support this, but i just wanna say..Hey hey hey, drink whisky all day. and ummm Alex’s ( is that how you pluralize that? is that how you spell pluralize?) are very funny.

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