Bands Unlikely to Have a Flavor Named After Them at Ben & Jerry’s

Ben and Jerry

Step one to starting a successful ice cream biz: get sexy.

I worked at Ben & Jerry’s last summer. It’s actually a pretty good job, all things considered. You don’t have to put up with a whole lot of unruly or rude customers, because they are either eating or about to eat ice cream. It’s actually physically impossible to be rude while eating ice cream, because ice cream releases endorphins in the brain or something. Has anybody ever committed murder immediately after eating a bowl of delicious ice cream? I seriously doubt it. Maybe if al-Qaeda had a Ben & Jerry’s store in their neighborhood, they wouldn’t hate our freedom so much.

Ben & Jerry’s customers are also rarely impatient. It takes me forever to make a milkshake, but never has a customer done so much as sigh and look at his watch. I think that’s because there’s no such thing as an emergency ice cream run. If you’re at an ice cream store, the odds are you’ve carved out a nice chunk of time in your schedule. Nobody’s going to come in and say “I need three scoops in a chocolate-dipped waffle cone, but make it snappy — my wife just went into labor!”

Karamel Sutra

Step 2: Stay sexy.

Anywho, something that makes Ben & Jerry’s unique is the nomenclature of their many flavors. While some ice creameries stick to boring flavors like vanilla and chocolate, Ben & Jerry’s features such barely family-friendly fare as “Half Baked” and “Karamel Sutra.”They also enjoy naming flavors for famous celebrities, bands, and musicians. You’ve got Stephen Colbert’s “Americone Dream,” Willie Nelson’s “Country Peach Cobbler,” Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road” and, of course, “Cherry Garcia.” One time a guy walked into the store wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt… and ordered Strawberry. Talk about a missed opportunity.

Phish Phan

Step 3: Embrace dirty hippie music.

Perhaps the most popular flavor (in my experience) is “Phish Food,” named for the no-good hippie stoner band Phish. It exemplifies the perfectly symbiotic relationship that exists between the marijuana, music and ice cream industries. The more pot you smoke, the more you’ll enjoy shitty jam bands and the more you’ll crave anything that contains marshmallow, caramel and fudge.

Phish should consider themselves very lucky. Not every band has such a golden opportunity for brand synergy. Here are some bands who are highly unlikely to ever have a flavor named after them at Ben & Jerry’s:

  • Pearl Jam
  • Buzzcocks
  • Nine Inch Nails
  • Pissed Jeans
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Blue Oyster Cult
  • Iron & Wine
  • The Moldy Peaches

and, of course…

  • Poison

Have any other bands you probably won’t see in the Ben & Jerry’s display case? Feel free to name them in the comments. This is your time to shine. We love you.

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12 responses to “Bands Unlikely to Have a Flavor Named After Them at Ben & Jerry’s

  1. Hey just saw on twitter that you had a new blog post, like that you can stay update with people now

  2. Meatloaf, Black Eyed Peas, and Korn aren’t particularly appealing. Limp Bizkit Ice Cream just sends shivers down my spine.

    White Stripes ice cream would be bad-ass. The band Cake also deserves a flavor. I suppose the band Cream has already been accidentally immortalized by Ben & Jerry’s, among others.

    But does Vanilla Ice deserve a flavor? How about Ice Cube? Ice-T?

    Hot Hot Heat is just sending the wrong message.

  3. All excellent entries BK. N.W.A. probably wouldn’t get a flavor, either, even if the “A” stood for “Apricot.”

  4. hahaha this is awesome.

    Anyways, perhaps-

    Grizzly Bear?
    Fucked Up?

    I don’t know…apparently I’m bad at this.

  5. Mudhoney sounds like a bittersweet flavor, but instead of bitter, it’s yucky. Puddle of Mudd is just yucky. Phish just sounds grody. Linkin Park will not have a flavor named after them not because the flavor would sound gross, but because of how bad the band is.

    Then there’s the brutally obvious Anal Cunt.

  6. I’d say it’s a safe bet that Cannibal Corpse are off the menu too.

  7. Bands that should not have a Ben and Jerry flavor:

    Iron and Wine
    Panda Bear

    Band that absolutely should have a Ben and Jerry flavor:

    Spoon

  8. Panda Bear would be an awesome flavor. Half chocolate, half vanilla with chunks of delicious bamboo!

  9. The Mountain Goats
    Fatboy Slim would be diet ice cream
    Orgy could be good or bad.

  10. Papa Roach. Uncle Cracker. You know, the old stand-by’s. It’s a shame that classic bands like these will never know the serotonin-releasing, brain-freezing fame of a Ben & Jerry’s label.

    And thank Jeebus we’ll never see those ass-wipes from Liverpool disgrace a beautiful bucket of Ben & Jerry’s finest!

    …what? Imagine Whirled Peace? Oh no…

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